Resolving To Love Myself

I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions as I resolve to work on myself daily. Over the Christmas holidays, I was triggered emotionally to see how I had held onto a harsh belief about myself and my body. In these Youtube videos, I talk about my resolution to see myself the way I see others – without judgment and with Love. I, also, filmed a segment outlining a loving ritual I have made a daily practice which has made a huge difference in my emotional health. Join me on my journey! Thanks for stopping by.

Release Day! The Perfect Score

This book was previously published. It has been re-edited, re-formatted, and re-released. Thank you to eXtasy Books for giving this series a home and breathing new life into a great story. When I first wrote them, I was at a very different place in my life. Having the chance to re-write the characters and showcase my growth as an author has been an honor. This book in particular hits the heart in some deep places. I hope readers will love their story, and laugh and cry along with Shelley and Jack. Available now from eXtasy Books!

What will they risk to achieve the perfect score?

Fun-loving and free-spirited Shelley Longstaff summons her iron will to stand up to Jacques Fortier when he demands she accept his daughter into the gymnastics program, or he will sue.

Jacques Fortier is at his wits end with his daughter for her unsportsmanlike behavior. In his frustration, he threatens to sue Shelley and the club for discrimination if they don’t accept her for training.

As Shelley and Jack discuss terms of Anna’s acceptance into training, Shelley discovers a tragedy that is causing a rift between father and daughter. When Jack asks for a favor, Shelley finds herself hard pressed to refuse.

When a crisis of teenage proportions threatens their relationship, will they retreat, or risk everything for the chance to achieve The Perfect Score?

EXCERPT:

“If I find out you’re lying about your program being full, I’ll sue both you and this club.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Shelley Longstaff stared at the giant of a man bracing himself on the front edge of her desk. She rose from her chair, neck cramping in order to maintain eye contact. Good God, he’s tall. Drawing herself up to her full height—all five feet four inches—she prepared for battle.

Cocking his head to the side, he gave Shelley a silky smile. “Try me.”

Shelley’s eyes narrowed at his arrogant attitude. The threat of a lawsuit didn’t bode well for her future as head coach of the club. How had she ended up in this impossible position? This is all Claire’s fault. She recommended me for head coach. She thought I could do it. A small voice laughed inside her head. You wanted this job, chickie. And you’re damn good at it. Don’t let Mr. Jolly Green intimidate you. You have the upper hand.

To calm the butterflies battering her insides, she drew in a deep breath which brought the scent of his cologne to her nostrils. A queer feeling shot through her stomach. Damn! What is that? She took a moment to study him. The suit he wore screamed money. Close-cropped black hair, peppered gray at the sides, the square angle of his jaw, perfect nose, and nearly black eyes surrounded by thick dark lashes, made the breath clog in her chest. Handsome for an older dude.

Her knuckles whitened as she gripped the desk, fighting the hormonal surge in her body. Shelley pursed her lips together and blinked. He threatened to sue me, remember?

His gaze pierced hers. Sexy or evil? Sexy with a hint of ‘I don’t take no for an answer.’ Without breaking eye contact, she returned the stare, not one to back down from a challenge.

Jacques Fortier spoke through clenched teeth. “One more time—is your program full?”

Yes. She practiced the lie in her head, but the deepness of his voice washed over her like a wave drowning a surfer. What is wrong with me? Concentrate!

When she didn’t respond immediately, he went on. “You can’t refuse my daughter the right to train here. This club is run by a board of directors. It’s not a private facility.” He paused, no doubt for effect, but his voice held a note of defeat when he spoke again. “Besides, this club is our last resort.”

Damn. He had a point. Four points actually, and with his last statement, she felt a little sorry for him.

This would be Anna Fortier’s fourth club in two years. Shelley had long ago been convinced it wasn’t the clubs—it was the girl. Shelley folded her arms over her chest. “Seems to me that if our club is your last resort—you’d be a little kinder in your demand.”

He hung his head in defeat. Maybe it would finally sink in that his daughter wasn’t elite material. Anna took more time than allowed during warm-ups at competition, she had no sense of sportsmanship, rarely smiled, and gossip about her poor training habits had spread far and wide. Shelley didn’t want to ruin the positive gym atmosphere here by admitting Anna.

She lifted her chin. “I’m sorry Mr. Fortier, we are not admitting gymnasts of Anna’s caliber at this time,” she restated. “And the club has the right to turn away potential gymnasts if the program the gymnast is seeking to enter is full.”

Please accept my half-truth and walk away. Her group only had six gymnasts in it. Technically she could accept Anna into the program—she just didn’t want to. Crap. She’d always been a lousy poker player. Would he believe her or call her bluff?

 

EXCERPT #2:

He rewarded her statement with an eye roll. “Anna always accuses me of not listening.” Relaxing back in his chair, he pulled up the sleeves of his sweater, revealing his lean, muscled forearms.

Based on the sight, she wondered what the rest of his body looked like. She gave herself a mental head shake. This wasn’t a date. It was a business meeting, and she had no business thinking those things.

Shelley put her hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Whether or not you listen isn’t my business. It’s her perception that you don’t. From personal experience, you certainly don’t take no for an answer. Threatening to sue me is a case in point.”

He dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. “I wouldn’t have gone through with it. You caught me off-guard when you didn’t jump at the chance to train my daughter. Knee-jerk reaction.”

“You had me fooled.” She rested her forearms on the table. “Since Anna has assured me what she told me in confidence today is something you’re already aware of, I see no reason to bore you with the details. I’d like a chance to work with her without having to run to you and report every detail.”

He picked up his water glass, and took a long sip, considering her request. “You’ve agreed to train her?”

She nodded. “Yes. I think she and I have come to an agreement.”

“All right,” he conceded. “I’ll respect the request for now.”

Sitting across the table from him didn’t feel as awkward as she thought it would. She figured now would be as good a time as any to broach the subject of his deceased wife. “Tell me about Anna’s mother. I understand she’s—”

“—dead.”

Shocked at the brusque manner in which he’d delivered the news, she stammered to find a reply. “I-I’m sorry.”

He studied the table top rather than looking at her. “I gather you didn’t know.”

Now available from eXtasy Books!

What Am I Worth?

“They say if I care about myself

I’ll pay for this product, that gym membership

work hard and burn my candle at both ends to get ahead

oh, and don’t forget my beauty sleep because YOLO!

You. Only. Live. Once.

Is that living?

Same pattern, day after day –

Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids – here’s a box

fit yourself into it and don’t forget to be yourself.

My. Self.

Who am I?

Mother, Wife, Lover, Friend, Performer, personality without end…

Spiritually Stuck.

Move, Breathe, Heave something so I can feel deeper…

They ask: What do you do?’

How do you put a price on priceless work.

So I devalue myself because I don’t know what I’m worth.”

 

Full version of the new spoken word piece on YouTube.

 

Rebound ~ Love and Balance

Preorder link: Rebound

“This is a powerful and marvelously told story. I never saw the first version, so I have no idea what was missing from Claire’s story/experience, but whatever it was, this full-on revision will knock readers’ socks off. Kudos to you for reaching deep and putting it on the page. Very real and moving.”

**This book was previously published. It has been re-edited, re-formatted, and re-released.**

An award-winning choreographer faces her biggest heartbreak when she’s teamed up to coach with her former lover at a gymnastics camp for Olympic hopefuls.

Claire LeMay is at the top of her game—she’s head coach for a top gymnastics facility in Winnipeg, Manitoba with her gymnasts winning awards for her outstanding choreography. Now her biggest challenge is to coach alongside the man she’s avoided for three years after rejecting his offer of coaching under his command at his club in Ottawa, Ontario.

After sinking every penny of his inheritance into his state-of-the-art gymnastics facility, Justin Black has achieved his dream. But even with hundreds of members and well-trained coaches, when Claire’s presence invades his space, he realizes she’s the one thing that’s missing. Clueless about why she didn’t accept his earlier job offer, he is determined to discover why she turned him down.

Will they be a rebound romance, destined to repeat the same old routine, or can they choreograph a new one?

EXCERPT:

“Nice, eh?” Shelley said. “Want to check out the second floor?”

Tamping down on the rising emotion, Claire nodded and turned, following Shelley up the stairs. At the top, they walked straight into a viewing area equipped with enough chairs to seat an army and a bunch of toys in one corner. A small canteen filled the opposite corner, complete with vending machines.

She stroked her chin thoughtfully and smiled. Justin knew the parents and other family members of gymnasts had a place in the gym, and he wanted them comfortable, albeit from a distance. She’d heard he trained his own coaches and made sure they received coaching certification. If the rumor held true, his club had upwards of a thousand members, from preschool to elite.

Tears pricked her eyes. And he did it all without me.

The murmur of voices drew her attention to the left, and she walked down a small hallway with a boardroom and a door marked Dance Studio off of it. Claire blinked her tears away and swallowed the lump in her throat.

I’ve got to pull it together. She moved toward the boardroom, where the coaches were gathering. Some of the coaches were here to observe, like Shelly, while the rest coached the attending athletes. Since almost everyone knew each other, they took turns shaking hands and giving hugs. Everyone greeted her with hearty hellos, and she turned to greet another coach only to find herself face to face with Justin.

Her heart skipped a beat, and she froze on the spot. With a roomful of eyes on her, she did the only sensible thing she could think of—she hugged him.

His surprise registered in the way his body tensed, but to save face, he brought his arms around her and gave her a manly slap on the back that made her cough. “Good to see you,” he said.

“Likewise,” she murmured. “Shall we begin?”

EXCERPT #2:

Justin leaned up against a wall, arms crossed over his chest, and watched as Claire led the girls in a warm up. Compassion filled his heart for her. She gave a hundred percent effort into everything she did. Anger flickered in his gut. Why hadn’t she given their relationship just as much effort?

He continued to watch as Claire instructed the girls on a series of still exercises designed to work on their posture, poking and prodding them into position. Then she made them perform successions of leaps across the floor.

He gave an imperceptible shake of his head. None of the gymnasts leaping across the length of the floor had half the grace Claire possessed, nor did they have her presence. A mere five feet one inches tall, when she stood with that impeccable posture and spoke in her clear voice, she could be mistaken for a giant. Too bad she hadn’t been given her chance to shine.

Heat flared in his loins as he watched her perform a leap to demonstrate. Jesus. Fuckin’ perfect. Disgusted with his body’s traitorous response to her, he distanced himself by heading upstairs again.

He snagged a bottle of water from the refrigerator in the canteen and, unable to resist, looked down from the upper level window as Claire led the gymnasts through a short choreographed routine to a pop song. He knew they’d add to it each day, and at the end of the week, the girls would perform it for the coaches. Since the girls had come from all over the country, it provided a good way for them to get to know one another while they did something fun.

He chuckled as they tried to copy Claire’s movements. With the patience of a saint, she went over the steps again and again, watching them intently, giving instruction on arm placement and hip movements. Watching her dance had always captivated him, and it did so now. She had the amazing ability to observe a routine and then perform it near-perfectly.

The grace she possessed spilled into other areas of her life, too. He recalled how she’d accepted defeat that day at the Canada Olympic Trials, never shedding a tear, or swearing, or calling the other girls down as some gymnasts did when they lost. She had made a mistake and accepted it stoically.

The dancing stopped, and the lack of movement on the floor brought Justin back to the moment. Claire stared up at him. He nodded and smiled at her. She tucked a non-existent stray lock of hair back behind her ear and grinned shyly in return. Her cheeks flushed, and she bit her lips together.

His heart thudded in his chest. Ah, shit.

He knew right then he hadn’t succeeded one whit in putting behind him what they had shared. In the past, ignoring her had worked, at least somewhat, because he’d known that once the meet was over, they’d both return to their home provinces. Now that they were working alongside each other they’d be expected to field questions and converse with each other, not to mention everyone else. Time to let bygones be bygones.

How the hell do I do that? So much remained unsaid between them, and he didn’t know where to start—anger at her for walking out on him, anger she hadn’t shared his dream. And if he were honest—pissed at himself for letting things get so far off course.

Staring at her now, his heart pounded hard, like a gymnast sprinting down the vault runway. He heaved a sigh. Could he be man enough to call a truce? Would she believe his intentions were sincere? She had no reason to, and he didn’t blame her, but he’d never be able to move on if he didn’t try.

She gave him another half-smile, her blue eyes shining up at him.

He scrubbed a hand over his face and turned away, expelling the air from his lungs.

She’d be here in his personal space for a week. He wouldn’t be able to ignore her this time, and he knew it. So much for not examining my emotions.

Pondering goodwill gestures, he turned and jogged down the stairs to the gym.

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Spirit of Faith

What is your choice in a time of need?

Fear-based blame, anger or greed?

Or do you choose Love and truly believe in

the higher power you hold in your Heart within?

Do you even know which path you choose?

When faced with decisions what is it ego is afraid to lose?

Do you understand the contrast of fear-fuelled action,

and true Heart-centred Spirit attraction?

In those times when all seems lost,

fear-filled action is a greater cost,

to your body, soul, mind, and Heart

for they are all one and not apart,

In any situation, two choices are clear,

Which will you choose – Love or Fear?

Peace is the hope of your every distress,

Hope is the gift for your happiness,

Hope shines a path toward the Light,

Where you’ll find your Faith to hold tight,

Our lives are stories without an end,

Faith travels with us through all twists and bends,

Walking with us through the unknown,

and in our Heart we create our home.

 

~Kellie Kamryn, (c) 2018

 

 

Begging for More

Begging For More – eXtasy Books

Summer is the perfect season to play.

Samantha Merry is excited her best friend, Jules Foley, will be joining her for a few days out at the country home her Dom, Davis, purchased for her. They’ve turned their country paradise into a playtime heaven for them and their friends, and Samantha has missed Jules something fierce. A little play time is first on the agenda, and she hopes to figure out a way to make Jules a permanent part of her relationship with Davis.

Davis Cathal never imagined himself in love with two women. When he arrives at the country home to find Samantha indulging in playtime with Jules, he quickly plans a scene for the three of them. Jules has chemistry with both him and Samantha. And as an added bonus—she’s a great sub. Unable to avoid the conversation with Samantha, he attempts to find the perfect way to talk to the love of his life about adding Jules as their third.

Will Samantha and Davis be able to communicate their desires, or will they be left begging for more?

 

EXCERPT:

Jules planted another kiss on Samantha’s lips. “I’m here for a few more days. I’d love to see what you’ve done with the place, especially the dungeon.”

They broke apart to swim up to the dock. A deep voice made Samantha’s heart skip a beat.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?”

She looked up to see Davis kneeling at the dock’s edge, the sun glinting off his blond brush cut, making it look as though he had sparkles in his hair. A length of rope dangled from one hand. “Sir!” she exclaimed, excited to see him. “I didn’t hear you.”

His green eyes twinkled at her, and he nodded at Jules. “I’m not surprised you didn’t hear me, with all the fun you’re having.”

He extended a hand, and she took it. He hauled her out of the water, then assisted Jules in the same manner. Once both women were out of the water, Davis held up her collar.

Samantha bowed her head. “I only took it off so I wouldn’t get it wet.”

He lifted her chin with thumb and forefinger. “I know. You love this and never take it off if you don’t have to.”

Samantha beamed up at him and waited while he dried her off with a towel he’d brought, then secured the collar around her neck again.

Beside her, Jules sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t comment on your collar earlier. It’s beautiful and suits you perfectly.” Another sigh escaped. “I want what you two have.”

Samantha blinked in surprise at her best friend. How could she think she didn’t share in their love? “Do you mean that you want a Dom of your own?” She took the towel from Davis and dried off Jules.

Jules’ cheeks colored, and she looked away. “Yeah… I suppose.” She made a wide sweeping gesture with her arms. “I mean, the parties you have, the play time you freely share with those you care about is…magical. I haven’t found this type of loving openness with anyone else.”

Samantha slung an arm over her shoulders, opened her mouth to speak, but didn’t know what to say, or rather how to best say it. She loved her friend. They enjoyed sex on occasion. She needed to discuss her feelings with Davis first.

Davis cleared his throat to get their attention. She turned her attention to him and saw that he was twirling the rope in his hand. Whatever idea he might have in mind, it made her cunt pulse. “Yes, Sir? How may we be of service to you?”

She heard Jules sigh in acquiescence beside her and knew in her heart that after whatever Davis had planned, she needed to talk to him.

Begging for More – eXtasy Books

 

Q&A with Kellie: When do I find time to write?

When do I find time to write? 

This is a short post to go with the short video! I find time to write whenever I can. It might be a half hour here or an hour there. If possible, I try to write every day. I also give myself permission to have a break now and again if I’m tired. I can’t do everything all the time or I will get burnt out. If you are an aspiring writer, all it takes is minutes a day. Set goals for yourself to reach a certain word count on the piece you’re working on. A little every day will go a long way. Find writers groups to join, or organizations to help you with information you might need. If it is important to you, find a way to practice as well as make your dream a reality.

Short and sweet! More books coming from me in the next few months, so if you haven’t, check the books page to see what I’ve got available now, or eXtasy Books site.

Video:

Facebook

Q&A With Kellie

On my Facebook page, I’m doing one live video per week, answering questions that I get asked on a regular basis. I will answer them briefly here on my blog as well, and post the link to the video. The blog post won’t be verbatim, but answers the question in written form too! If you have a question for me, please PM me on FB, or fill out the comment form on my site here.

LIve Video

Last week’s question was: Do I ever get discouraged? If so, how do I deal with it?

Short answer – yes. I get discouraged from time to time. I think every one does. I’ll admit that depending on what it is, I may need a good cry. There are times when low book sales, or lack of time to write, or I’m tired, or any number of things may get me down. Sometimes seeing other people’s successes makes me feel like I’m not where I want to be. Maybe I feel like I’m taking too long. Or I’m trying so hard and not getting anywhere.

This may be the time when I look at my goal and adjust my plan. I don’t let something get me down for long. I choose to move forward by doing the things I love. I love to write, so I make time every day if possible to do so. I exercise. Martial arts is a great way for me to be physically healthy and blow off some steam. By focusing on my breathing, and what my body is physically doing, I can help realign myself with what I want in my life. I choose to reach out to my friends. Whether they understand my particular situation or not, good friends will be there to pat me on the back and tell me I can get through it and keep going. Often, I’ll take a break from social media just to reconnect with myself, my kids, and my friends in person.

The important thing is to not let it keep you down. Staying at the pity party too long won’t help you move forward. We all have to take time out to deal with things that life throws at us.

So, share with me – how do you deal with discouragement?

 

 

Curl Up Inside a Cuddle

Curl up inside a cuddle
when your mind is in a muddle,
Coccoon yourself in Divine Love
when you need a break sort of,
Sit in a pocket of time
hear the words of this inner rhyme,
slow or fast, or not at all,
it’s an illusion, so just stall –
as the mind breaks free from its prison,
a kaleidoscope of colors dance in its prism,
STOP
FEEL
Live inside the warm embrace
breath of life, face to face,
Hearts beating in Divine rhythm
such a small scale, do you fathom?
The depth of connection to Mother Earth
and inside ourselves the rebirth,
Inside our souls, its own universe
awakening us to our divine purpose,
Numbers, symbols, visions clash,
dancing, swirling, making a mad dash,
to escape, take form, grow, manifest,
take heed of the intention behind your request,
PAUSE
FEEL
LOVE
When your mind is in a muddle,
curl up inside a cuddle,
where the illusion of time disappears
and your true Self reappears,
A bubble separate from time and space,
Accept shelter inside the warm embrace.
~Kellie Kamryn
(c)2016

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Loving Your Journey

12376234_951037534984032_6449093028108077825_nWhen you become aware of old patterns, and take steps to break those patterns in your life, there are many contrasts to contend with. The pull to follow the old way is strong as you find yourself surrounded by people shouting that there is “only one way” to do something. Then you find others, those who quietly speak about the same things you do, or share mutual interest. They remind me that I’m not really alone, and that perseverance to what I know is true for me is important.

I love working as an author and a voice actor. I love practicing martial arts and gymnastics. I love teaching all of these things to people. As I find myself in a transition, there are days I am terrified at the direction my life is taking. It’s not because I’m unsure of what to do, it’s because I am sure of it, which may be the first time in my life ever. EVER.

People ask: “Why are you terrified?” Well, isn’t the very definition of terrified being absolutely thrilled and scared for your life at the same time, yet you can’t turn back because you’ll never know how it will turn out? And you’ll only be terrified a single time, for once you’ve taken the ride, no matter how many times you choose to go on it, it will never be the same as it was the first time you did. (Okay, don’t quote me on that definition as I’m not Webster’s Dictionary.)

When I talk about what I do, when I teach—no matter if it’s writing, voice acting, or martial arts and gymnastics—I am excited. I can see the way it all fits together in my life. Yet, transitioning to make it all work the way it will work best for me is scary. Why? Because I’ve never done it before, and leaving the old behind in favor of the new, that which absolutely fills my soul with passion is the very definition of terrifying. At least to me.

And yet, I cannot leave it undone. I must follow the path even though it may be long, or winding, or uphill. Perhaps it may snowball downhill sometimes. Or it could be smooth sailing. (Now I’m off the path and into uncharted waters. See? You never know where life will take you.) My point: I do not know. But I want to find out.

And as my best friend told me: “Sometimes you get busy climbing your personal mountain, and feel so alone. Then you break a threshold, and stand at the top, daring to look about. Then you realize how far you’ve come, and all the other mountains there are surrounding you. And you see everyone else climbing their own mountain, and you learn to love your journey along with everyone else’s. In time, you look up and realize you have more of your own mountain to climb. So, you let everyone have their path, and you follow your own.”

(Well, his story went something like that. Let’s not call it a direct quote, but it’s what I took away from it that’s important to me.)

At some point, perhaps we have to stop listening to those shouting from their own mountaintops. They have their own unique perspective, and while some of what someone else says has value, it may be laced with fear, self-doubt, and despair. That is their mountain to climb—not yours. Take those things that trigger your own negative feelings, and use them to shed light on what is weighing you down on your climb. Shiver and shake off that which holds you back from going higher.

Many people have been quoted as saying something like the following, and I give props to whoever said it originally. Here it is with my own spin: Sometimes we fear our own greatness, and what we are capable of doing, so we tell ourselves we cannot do something rather than face the fear that is perpetuating our suspension. Then we let others tell us the same until it is so engrained in us, we believe we actually believe it.

Finding it, letting go of it, is no easy task. Until I can explain the mechanics of that, you’ll just have to believe me. In the meantime, love yourself fiercely and with all your might. Believe in you. Do that which terrifies you, and ask yourself why it does.

Learning to love my own journey, no matter how difficult helps me appreciate not only my own, but others as well. I’ve been terrified before, and yet I did what I knew was the right thing for me. This time is no different, and yet it is a different set of circumstances. And when I look back at where I was, and where I am now, perhaps it’s not so terrifying after all.

But don’t quote me on that.