Emergence of Self
Step out of the Shadows and into the Light,
Shine with your Inner Wisdom with all of your might,
Spreading your wings, prepare to take flight;
Deep breath in, and shed the Dark Night,
Only you have the Power to heal your Soul,
Piece by piece until once more you are whole,
A Being of Light let no person cast asunder,
Awaken within and no more shall you slumber,
Rise up to new heights as the Phoenix does fly,
Up from the ashes and believe no more lies,
Inside of yourself you will find only Love,
Truth sets you free and Hope raises you above,
Reproach, berated, and unkind words
Open your eyes and a new Presence to be heard,
Step out of hiding your Self does urge,
Allowing pureness to grow, Love and Light to emerge.
~Kellie Kamryn, copyright December 10, 2015
On the heels of one battle, Kayla and Kaleb race to aid their new friend Peggy Periwinkle. They discover her shop in shambles, and Kaleb senses at the heart of the attack a presence he hasn’t felt in a long time—a childhood friend who had disappeared when he was young. The news sends him reeling, and he disappears on Kayla to process what he’s learned.
Worried Kaleb has gone on a renegade mission, Kayla seeks comfort and answers with her new friend Peggy. Together they devise a plan to find Kaleb and the man responsible for the destruction to her shop.
New friendships forged, old connections strengthened, and the past gets cleared in their Hearts. As Shadow brings the heat to their summer, Kayla and Kaleb fight back with the only weapon strong enough to defeat the darkness—Love.
Kaleb stood in the middle of Kayla’s back lawn, fists clenched at his side, body rigid, seething with rage. Growling, his gaze zeroed in on Ahren who crouched inside an energetic cage. The makeshift prison had Kayla’s signature all over it.
Pride surged up inside him at her handiwork. Love slithered in between the anger like sunrays through cloud cover. He grimaced in pain as his Light fought off the darkness. Shuddering, he refocused on Ahren, rage once more burning bright.
Snarling, Ahren crawled on the ground like a caged beast. Kaleb answered in kind, then pointed a finger at his brother. “We settle this now!”
Ahren swiped out a hand, fingertips grazing his prison of Light. A crackling sound filled the air around them. “Tell them to let me out and it will be my pleasure!”
“Do it!” Kaleb roared, addressing the guardians who had now come to stand as a barrier between him and Ahren.
Murmured discussion travelled round the group, further agitating the two men itching to fight. Through the red haze of his anger, Kaleb caught snippets of their conversation.
“We need to keep them apart until they’re fully healed,” Dawn said.
“I agree,” Marabel concurred.
“We’ll make sure they don’t hurt each other,” Trey put in, smoothing back his blonde hair.
“And one of you get Kayla,” Henry said. “Perhaps she can get him to see reason.”
“No!” Kayla’s shout caused everyone to turn in her direction. With slow, deliberate steps she walked down the porch stairs and onto the lawn. Ahren’s prison disappeared with a wave of her hand.
Ahren jumped to his feet with a howl of triumph. Kaleb noted the wild gleam in his eyes, and conjured a fireball to hurl at his friend. He wouldn’t allow the other man to escape until they’d settled their score. Years ago, Kaleb had felt abandoned by his friends, and anger at the Universe for the unfairness of his lot in life bubbled up from the bottom of his heart. Since that moment, he’d sought to protect those he cared about so they wouldn’t have reason to leave. A desperate move on his part, and it was time to unleash his fury.
Kaleb’s attention was diverted from the inner workings of his Egoic mind when Ahren rounded on Kayla. “You’re an idiot,” Ahren spat in her direction. “You think I’ll stick around now that I’m free?”
Once more, anger overrode Kaleb’s consciousness. Protect her at all costs. He wouldn’t allow Ahren to hurt anyone else, especially Kayla. He raised his arm with the intention to release the fireball directly at his old friend.
Without batting an eye, or looking in his direction, Kayla raised a hand and brought her fingers together in a closing motion, distinguishing Kaleb’s fireball. He blinked in surprise, attempting to conjure more in the palms of his hands, but he couldn’t do it. Mumbled chanting reached his ears, and he glanced over to the porch where Peggy stood as if in a trance. Somehow she’d blocked his powers with her magic.
With her attention still on Ahren, Kayla addressed him, her voice calm, cool, and collected. “Calling me an idiot is passing judgment.”
Ahren snarled in response, and advanced on her. Waving her hand, she threw up a wall of energy between them. The force of it struck Ahren, and he crumpled to his knees. Panting, he glanced up at her, expression wary.
Kaleb watched as she crouched down in front of him, and said, “All four of you—go. Margaret and I have this.”
Cautious agreement travelled round the group of guardians, but nevertheless, they stepped aside, and walked together toward the back porch.
“Now,” Kayla went on, speaking to Ahren again. “We will do this my way.”
“The hell we will,” Ahren growled.
in a sea of millions,
cut off from their Light,
air squeezed from its lungs,
At first, not aware of what’s happening
it feels bliss to be lost,
anonymous, running free
it can no longer breathe
grasping as the last vestiges of Light are squeezed from its soul….
Hands reach out,
eager faces nod encouragement
Unconditional Love overwhelms, and it struggles to break free
yet the hands hold fast, welcoming
Loves chases away the darkness, fills the void
Blind, it slowly climbs through the murk,
unused now to being Heard,
gravelly tones emerge as it surfaces
For one Voice in a sea of millions is too many to be lost
(c)Kellie Kamryn, 2014
Once upon a time, I was a competitive gymnast…
These days my inner gymnast is disguised as a mom of four, author, narrator, and all round good person. I can still perform cartwheels, handstands, round offs, flips on trampoline, and the splits, which make the guys at the training gym groan. (Mostly because I think they have to learn something they find difficult that I learned a long time ago. Or perhaps they’re thinking that whoever the man sleeping in my bed is—he’s a lucky bastard. And really, most nights it’s my youngest son whom has woken from a nightmare, so no hanky panky there. But I digress…)
During a conversation with a friend, I told him that I wasn’t interested in achieving physical perfection. He said I balked at the very idea because of the experiences I had as a gymnast. And you know what? He was right.
While I never developed an eating disorder as some of my comrades did, I had experiences that shaped the way I negatively saw my body, and exercise in general. When I was thirteen, a coach told me and my parents that I needed to grow my hair long and get contact lenses so I would look “pretty” and this would help boost my career as a gymnast. Notice how none of this had anything to do with my physical abilities or gymnastic talent. I received the message that in order to be successful, I had to be beautiful, and clearly, according to others, I did not measure up. I judged myself by the standards of others, and found myself lacking.
At the age of thirteen – well see picture above. In the span of a year, I transformed myself by growing my hair long, and getting rid of the glasses. And it worked. Suddenly, I had all sorts of validation from friends, to fellow gymnasts, coaches, and boys at school. I was beautiful, therefore, I would be successful. Right?
Fast forward a few years to when my career ended. I didn’t make the Olympic team as most thought I might, even though I worked hard. Plagued with injuries, I wondered if I’d even aspired to that. So many wanted me to “make it”, I lost sight of what I wanted. At that point, I felt I’d let down everyone in my life who had tried to make that dream a reality. Talk about carrying guilt.
In university, most of my gymnast friends became fitness competitors, and some girls joined our ranks because they wanted to be like the “beautiful gymnastics girls.” I kind of feel sorry for the image we portrayed, as if by being “one of us” you were automatically cool. An image is just that—a fantasy we portray to the world because our inner world doesn’t measure up. And that’s how I felt for many years.
Upon graduation, you’d think that with my physical education and kinesiology background, and my overachieving ways, I would once again strive to be the epitome of physical perfection. The fact now I have cover models and fitness industry professionals for friends, perhaps I should strive to achieve the outward appearance of physical fitness I feel modern society is obsessed with. To be honest, I used to. After the birth of my first and second children, I did manage to get back to a good weight for me. I worked out hard and ate right. When I found out I was pregnant with our third, while elated at the news, a part of me was upset that I would have to go through this all again, only to achieve my goal weight afterward. Talk about pressure, guilt, and anxiety all rolled into what should have been a beautiful experience. (This is covered in another article.)
After being diagnosed with post-partum depression at the same time as being told I was pregnant with my fourth child, I decided to give up the quest for physical perfection. After a life time of seeking validation outside of myself, I chose to go inward and love myself exactly the way I was.
After the birth of my son, I stopped exercising as if I was exorcising the Devil himself from my body. I chose to start loving every inch of me just the way it was, even though according to my doctor, I was thirty pounds overweight. I carried that weight for a reason. I was insecure, I wanted people to love me, I was anxious, and most importantly—I didn’t love myself.
Over time and with emotional healing, I learned to love me—every stretch-marked inch, both lopsided small breasts, my great calves and muscular shoulders, my soft belly my youngest calls my “squishy”, the roll of skin left over from the C-section, the near-sightedness of my green-hazel eyes, my smile, cute feet, jiggly thighs, curvy hips, and flat butt.
This isn’t to say I didn’t exercise at all. Over the past few years, instead of being obsessed with physical perfection, I learned to listen to myself. I found exercises that were gentle yet effective, I took up martial arts, I stretch every day, and I cut out all sugar from my diet for a few months. I learned that I didn’t have to kill myself through exercise to be healthy, and that physical perfection doesn’t mean you’re healthy in mind, body or spirit. And if loving myself means that I eat better, exercise more, and I happen to achieve what the outside world deems as a “nice body”, then so be it. A “perfect body” isn’t something I’m striving for. Being healthy is.
Once I stopped seeking validation for myself from other people, I learned to love ME. In fact, I like that my body is not “perfect”. From time to time, I put on a bit of weight, but this is usually at a time in my life when I’m feeling insecure or anxious about something. I know that with time, and when I go inside to discover the source of my insecurity, the weight will drop when I no longer need my “squishy armor” of protection.
Earlier this year, I was asked to “play up the pretty” in order to sell my books. I had mixed feelings on this because I want readers to read my material because they like it, not because of the way I look. I realize that a “package” sells a product, which is obvious from companies who mass market products from supplements, exercise equipment, teeth whitening agents, to romance books. Sexy to me is a state of mind, not necessarily what I−or anyone else−look like on the outside. Sexy is an attitude. While I choose to post nice pictures of myself for covers and social media, I also portray the real “me” as much as possible in my articles, and through what I post in public forums.
I told this story to my oldest daughter who is now sixteen. I want her to love herself for who she is, not for what others think she does or doesn’t look like. I want the world to love her as she is, and that will only happen if she loves herself first. Society in general likes to tell us that if only we did this, or used that, we too could be successful and loved and beautiful! And I’m here to tell you that you already are. Every inch of you. But don’t take my word for it—discover it for yourself, and reach what I call a healthy state of imperfection.
One day she stared into the mirror and said,
“There’s a hole in me I want someone to fill.
I am lonely and don’t want to be alone.
I want someone to give me everything I need!
I want to be rescued!”
As the echo of her cry died down,
the face in the mirror stared back at her for a moment;
a pregnant pause,
and then —
“I will be your white knight,
I will rescue you and we can ride off into the sunset.”
Skeptical, her brow furrowed, taken aback at the offer
so easily proffered.
The reflection continued,
“I promise to love you when no one else does,
I will fill the holes and cracks in your soul,
and teach you that being alone
doesn’t mean you ever have to be lonely.
What do you say?”
A blink, tears fall
a slow nod of her head to show her acceptance…
The face in the mirror smiled,
reached out a hand,
then placed it over her heart.
“Then let’s begin.”
(c)Kellie Kamryn, 2014
dances in the sunbeam
tiny worlds that are part of this one
and yet their own
traveling through space on their own path
swirling in an endless stream
through the light
their course is altered
chaos, mayhem, confusion until
creating a new world together
continuing on in their journey
through the light
Kellie Kamryn, Copyright 2013
My oldest daughter asked me what my New Year’s resolutions are. I told her I didn’t do resolutions, and sent her this pic instead:
Following your dreams, or making a plan to go after what you want is important. Without dreaming, human beings might become soulless shells of ourselves, wandering around with no ability to give our lives meaning or purpose. Over the years, as I’ve pursued my passions, I’ve encouraged others to do so. And now I want to encourage people to do something else: GET REAL.
For a long time, I lived in what I call the Land of Potential. I always saw how things could be, I worked toward my goals, I made plans, I fed my psyche positive affirmations like a drug addict snorts cocaine. (Actually, I don’t know if that analogy is correct as I’ve never done drugs in my life, but I hope you get the idea.) I turned myself into a positive person. I dove into my stories, created other worlds and happy endings, hoping that one day I too would have this elusive happy ending. I mean, if you fake it long enough, eventually it should come true, right?
As my friends and readers know, three years ago, my marriage ended. At the time, I remember going public with it, finally no longer feeling like a fraud by pretending my life was an HEA when it wasn’t.
Skipping over the past three years, I’m going to insert you into my life about a month prior when I discovered a lump in my armpit. Terrified it would be cancer, I sought medical advice and was told it was a cyst. Nothing to worry about, right?
I developed more cysts and boils on the surface of the skin. Turns out I had shingles and a staph infection. It would have been easy for me to delve into the world of my books – write a story, narrate some more, pick up my kindle and read one of the hundreds of books I never get time to read. Submersing myself in the land of make-believe sounded like a great idea, but I knew I couldn’t do that this time.
I knew for myself, I have a habit of manifesting physical conditions when I’m letting go of things emotionally. These illnesses were information and I needed to listen. I won’t bore anyone with the details of my healing, but I will say that I took this opportunity to listen to myself, and figure out what I needed to do to heal.
Well-meaning friends told me to “envision the life I wanted” once I was well. While I sincerely appreciate their well wishes and sentiments, as I’m sure I’ve said this to others on occasion, I knew that envisioning my future life illness free was not what I needed to do. I had to “get real” with myself, look at the life I had and live in reality.
“Getting real” for me meant taking a look back at the past and seeing my life for what it was, not what I would have liked it to have been like. I had to come to terms with the fact that in any given situation, I did the best I could with the knowledge and awareness I had at the time. I had to stop eating myself up inside (and quite literally with the infection I had) over things I could not change.
Being real with myself also meant, I had to deal with the current situation. I put on hold all work projects until the New Year, a situation I’m blessed to be able to do. A lot of people might not have this “luxury”. I meditated a lot, I slept A LOT, I made outings short if I had to venture out, and did what was best for me in the moment. While the Christmas season can be blessed with joy, it’s also a time when others place expectations on you for visitation, outings, etc. I made sure to do what was best for me and while I made apologies for not being able to attend some events, I did not allow myself to feel guilty in the least for not living up to the expectations of others.
I took the opportunity to see how different my life, and all the wonderful people I’ve brought into it by changing my life one step at a time. I realized how much love and support I had in various forms which I did not have three years ago. Accepting that the hard work I’ve done inwardly, as well as outwardly, has paid off was a wonderful realization.
So, here’s my long-winded point: Make your vision boards, set your goals, dream big about how you’d like your life to be. But don’t get so caught up in the fantasy, you forget to live your life for real.
Your goals will only be met if you put the work into it, if you deal with your life on a daily basis and live in the moment. Is that always fun or pleasant? No. Is it necessary? I believe so. It is for me.
Keep your day dreams where you can see them, just don’t make them all you see. Some times we want something so bad, we try to force it or create a reality that isn’t there. Be open to the journey and let things unfold as they should. It’s easy for us to stay with the familiar because it’s…well, familiar. This quote from Jeremy Wade of River Monsters fame, summed up how I feel about any new venture in life, whether it’s career, relationships or what have you:
“Dejected, I stared at the water and pondered the strange mechanics of perception – the perplexing fact that you can only see something properly if you already know what you’re looking for.” (Jeremy Wade, River Monsters, 2011) It’s difficult for us to perceive of anything new when we’ve never seen it before. But isn’t that half the fun of life – to venture into uncharted territory and see what happens?
In conclusion, dream big and create the reality you want, but I think Jean-Luc says it better: